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greetings. life for me has been an extreme roller coaster ride recently, but i guess that's how life is. the past few weeks i've been really fucking depressed, and this past weekend was excruciatingly painful. it's been the kind of depression where it hurts to breathe and move and waking up takes all the energy you have. as of last monday, though, things have started to change. i talked to a really awesome social worker type person at my school who vaalidated me, and put things in perspective and gave me some hope. with spring finally on it's way, my mood has been better overall. this week hasn't been too bad. it's just getting thru it is all it really is.
a good thing, perhaps the only good thing, that came out of this weekend was saturday's protest downtown. march 19th marked the second anniversary of the u.s occupation of iraq. it was so moving to see all the people that came. i guess there was around 200-250 people altogether. we all gathered across from the democrat and chronicle (local city newspaper) building. it was my first actual protest. and it was very peaceful, as well as very diverse. there were all sorts of people, young children running around with signs, older youth, a lot of college students, and professors, and a lot of older people as well. i was particularly moved by the veterans for peace. it was so amazing to see all the people that came out. it really showed that people care and that change needs to be made. sunday was the interest meeting for the rochester antiwar committee that's beginning to form. and last night we went to a "call for women's equality" meeting put on by the International Socialist Organization (ISO). Who knew that Rochester had a branch? but i've being doing a lot of research, and meeting a lot of people, and i'm extremely happy to finally be getting more involved in these things that matter to me. i get almost high sitting in a room filled with likeminded individuals.
i think my depression, is part, caused by fucked up feelings in regards to uncertainty about the future, and the fear that comes with that. i'm constantly battling myself. the part that does want to go to college, and be educated, and enlightened and help change the world, and the part that is lazy and unmotivated and has no confidence and just wants to say fuck all of it and run. on monday i got an acceptance letter from the University Of Albany and i'm actually considering. i'm going to an open house for students who've been accepted within the next few weeks. they have an awesome women's studies program and hell, i got in. i really have nothing to lose by going to check it out. i have to make my decision by may 1st, (also amanda's birthday), but i'm not going to stress out about it. life has a way of working things out and i guess i just need to let it.
peace.love.unity.
--loryn
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Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
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"...without 40 oz. of social skills, i'm just an ass in the crack of humanity..." --Moldy Peaches
Hi. I'm in a pretty shitty mood right now. There's no real specific reason, that i know of atleast. I guess it's just general dissatisfaction with my life. Today is the deadline for the University of Toronto application and i just let it slip away, pretty much like everything in my life. I'm lazy, and unmotivated, and don't have the confidence to do anything. I'm always busy doing nothing, trying to pass the time for something better to come along... I don't have the drive to go to college, i just don't, and i can't force myself to either. I know i don't want to get stuck here in rochester. I want to be in Toronto and I want to travel. But it just seems college really is the best option. I don't want to end up like a lot of people i know who didn't do anything after high school and are now 2, 5, 10 years later working shitty ass jobs they hate, barely making enough to eat... money isn't all that important to me. I'm portable. I don't require much. I require more less material things. Emotional clarity... or atleast somewhere on the path to it. I just feel really dead here sometimes. Artistically, and spiritually dead. I want to do so much with my life, but i don't know where to start... I am a walking contradiction, and most of the time, i'm ok with it. I just wanna have fun, and find myself, and make a change in this world. I live for the new and the different. I survive on music and those opportunities i've been blessed to come across that tell me i'm not alone. I graduate in june, have no job, no car, no license, no plans for college, no plan for anything, and nothing that really feels like my own... I don't want structure and stability but i find comfort in it. Blah.
My attention span is way way too short.
That's all for now.
Peace.Love.Unity.
--Loryn
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, February 21st, 2005
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Hi. Perhaps now it is time for a proper introduction. I'm lazy. My apologies.... So the real purpose of this journal is to be able to access the FTM and genderqueer communities to talk to crazy freaks like me. Life gets hard when you feel like you're the only one who feels a certain way. Being young, living here, i don't come across many people like me, but when i do... the unity, the soldairity, it keeps me alive. I love Toronto, i love being big cities. Currently I'm on break from high school. I'm a senior. I attend two schools: a small alternative high school for emotionally challenged kids in the AM and my big plastic suburban public high school in the afternoon, for art classes. It sucks, but only 4 months left...that's how i keep going. After that, i have no idea... I'm not one to plan, i don't like structure... I thrive off spontaniety. I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to define myself and leave a mark. I like music and art and being outdoors. I like philosophy, and history. I was born in a female's body and have lived my life as a girl. I "came out" as a lesbian when I was 14, but no longer feel that label suits me. I indentify primarily as queer, sexuality and gender expression. At this juncture, i do not consider myself an "FTM" but i see myself mostly as male, or somewhere in between, maybe, depending on the day. I don't like having tits, (i bind when i can). I love having a cock. (my strap-on is one of my best friends). But i don't see gender as black and white. I'm a boy girl gender fluid gender fuck who prefers male pronouns. I was born Lauren, but have changed the spelling to a more gender neutral Loryn. it suits me. i live for the day, the moment, wherever it finds me... I love to read, i love girls, people, really for that matter. My poltics are pretty far left. I believe in peace, and the power of numbers. I'm trying to make a change, while trying to find out who i am... i love, i learn, i am... i'm a slight space cadet. i love to have fun. I'm at Amandas. I like Amanda. I'm enjoying my break. I live for those moments that don't have words, where all you can formulate is "thank you..."
that's all for now.
peace. love. unity.
Loryn.
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, January 17th, 2005
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Hi. Welcome to my journal. It's my 18th birthday today.
Most unfortunately I'm not in the mood to write or give a proper introduction. This is mere a test entry, just to be able to modify colors and fonts and such...
I'll write more later. Peace.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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genderfckfmnist's journal
hopeful.
blah.
giddy.